As I approached retirement, I attended many retirement potlucks to ask soon-to-be retirees about their plans for the rest of their lives. Their answers never failed to disappoint: “I always said I need more time to work in my garden, now I’ll have plenty of time!,” “I will bake a lot more,” “I plan on working parttime for my son/daughter who said they need some extra help in their business,” “I’m going to continue riding my bicycle, but now take longer trips like through Alaska or Chile or Scandinavia,” “My son says he needs some help fixing up his 1970 Chevrolet Chevelle SS.” All shit I hate to do or have no interest in learning.
In nearly four years of my retirement, I have been working an ever-deepening dent in my La-Z-Boy, watching the car icon move across the DoorDash website as the deliverer brings my DQ Blizzards, El Pollo Loco tostadas, Five Guys burgers and fries, Jimboy’s tacos and taquitos, and Shake Shack shakes.
I have bought more shit on Amazon and tore into the boxes as if I am a little kid on Christmas. Oh, and speaking of Amazon, I bought my first digital scale, so I don’t have to see all the other possible outcomes from eating too much DoorDash whirl before my eyes by before landing on that new, never-before-achieved weight.
BURGER SCOOT 
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